I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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