The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
