dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
