he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
