I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Randomize
