Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Randomize
