there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Randomize
