Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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