Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
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