when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
