No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Randomize
