Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
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