I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
