I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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