for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Randomize
