Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Randomize
