my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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