Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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