I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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