it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Randomize
