I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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