We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
