My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
