Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
