I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
On a lighter note, the guy I gave a lap dance to then fell asleep on his crotch just facebook friend requested me..
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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