Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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