if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
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Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
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I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
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