no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
Randomize
