Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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