Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
