My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
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