She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I remember asking you "need some dick tonite?"
Yeah I guess to me frat party equals penis party. oh the wonders of vodka.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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