I think i peed on brittanys purse
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
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