there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
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