I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
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Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
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OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.