His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
Randomize
