my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
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the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
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But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit