Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
Ever since the Christmas fiasco of '08, I can no longer watch Rudolf the Red nosed reindeer without getting a hard on
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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