this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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