I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
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