The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
25 People Share How They Got Out Of Their Longest Dry Spell
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
21 People Confess Their Craziest Online Dating Experience
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
woke up in your bed at 6 AM. on my way home I passed Nathan, bloody, barefoot, and still in a toga. He told me he woke up in a ditch then kept repeating "I'm totally bringing this up at meeting tomorrow". I'm proud of your frat today
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.