I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background