So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me