Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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