giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
