apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Randomize
