I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
I don`t remember Saturday, actually
Its ok, i dont remember 2007
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
He ate me out while I stood on his bed drinking a Rainier.
Randomize
