my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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