So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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