FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
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