I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
He turned down head in favor of a handjob. Not sure if he's crazy or i have magic hands
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
