Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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