I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
Randomize
