I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
