I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
