i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
time to smoke my breakfast
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
