i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
