So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
