Kareoke will never be a sober sport
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
