Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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