so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
