Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
