Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Randomize
